This story was penned by Wall Street Journal sports writer Jason Gay in April 2020. Mr. Gay is a fine sports columnist who has a flair for writing about sports in a way that goes well beyond the tedium of statistics and analytics. It is this creativity that enables him to occasionally write things for the weekend addition that have nothing to do with sports. This article represents such a departure by addressing how our pets may feel during this COVID-19 era. The original articles were presented side by side, one from the cat’s point of view and the other from the dog’s. Today I am including the cat’s story. Tomorrow will be the dog’s side of the story.
BY A CAT
Enough is enough. American business has taken a historic plunge over the past month. It’s time to consider a practical plan for protecting public health – while also allowing for a return to work and, hopefully, a revival of the economy.
Oh, who am I kidding?
On behalf of cats everywhere, I’ll just say it: We want everyone out of the house. It was cute for a while, but the party is over. We’re sick of this quarantine, shelter-in-place directive.
Shelter in place? That’s a cat’s job. Cats invented shelter in place – sleeping in the windowsill, the corner of the couch, the sock drawer in the closet and, if it gets a little too noisy, under the bed, eyes open, annoyed. Cats know what it takes to stay home all the time. We’re just tired of sharing our home with everybody else. Have we liked getting snacks at unexpected hours? Sure. Is it nice to roll around on that warm laptop keyboard during Zoom calls? Sure is. Warm keyboards are heaven.
But it’s gotten to be too much. The other day I walked into the kitchen and saw someone standing in my 9 a.m. sun spot. So rude. That sun spot is only there for 15 minutes a day!
We (sort of) love you, and appreciate the occasional pats on the head, but cats are not the most social creatures. Sure, there are some exceptions. You might have one of those cats who actually enjoys human company. Congratulations. But the vast majority of us –
BIRD OUTSIDE THE WINDOW! MUST! GET! BIRD!
Sorry. Where was I? Right. The vast majority of cats are ready for you to get back to work. Or just leave the house for longer than 15 minutes. Please consider it. Not for America. For cats.